Dear Conan

A woman in San Jose, a fan, approached me urgently after the show. She tearfully told me the much longer version of what this letter (see pic) states, while clutching my hand and trembling. She told me that after all of these bad things had happened to her, what she really needed was to laugh.

"I needed you to know, so I wrote you this letter," she said, as she extended the scribbled note towards me with a shaking hand.

Of course, she really wanted to reach out to Conan through me. This is a common occurrence after shows. Everyone on the crew seems to get their turn with an overwhelmed or emotional fan. I retouched out her name to be, you know, respectful.

Beautiful Sacramento

Sacramento is beautiful, at least it was in the area surrounding the Sacramento Memorial Auditorium. I've never seen healthier or heartier looking trees anywhere than along the streets of Sacramento. I took a walk to the capital building, maybe 10 minutes away from the venue. The grounds around the capital are dotted with enormous, storybook-perfect examples of every imaginable tree, many with plaques identifying the species. There was also the rose garden, humongous orange trees, and a small vegetable garden. Words, and even pictures, don't really do justice to the impressiveness of the trees and plants as viewed by the naked eye.

The auditorium shows it's age backstage, with soft spots in the floors, and horrible toilets and showers. There was a large gap in the floor between the stage and the seating when we arrived. The backline guy, Ruff, was still groggy, fresh from his bunk, carrying TWO cups of hot tea as he entered. After coming out of the bright sun into the dimly-lit auditorium, he didn't see the gap, and fell right in, landing on a rail sitting maybe three feet down. Thankfully, he wasn't hurt. We were all shocked that he didn't break his leg. He did spill his tea. See the pic of Ruff immediately afterward, with empty tea in the foreground, and dangerous gap in the background. A local crewman remarked later that at first he thought Ruff was Mini-Me.

The catering was in the basement....and, I mean, it really was just an old basement with folding tables and chairs. I had a pork chop and some shrimp for dinner, and started feeling severely nauseous half an hour later. During the show, I was nearly certain I was going to vomit. I kept thinking, "How should I leave the faders when I run to the backstage bathroom to puke?" But I made it through. I still think I got poisoned by the shrimp scampi. And now I'm just about to depart on a TWENTY-HOUR trip to Denver, Colorado. Not good. Not good at all.

Wish me luck.

More Sacramento pics to come as I get good wifi.

San Jose

Hi everyone,
I'd really hoped to get some good sleep on the way to San Jose. Unfortunately, the trip through the mountains wreaked so much havoc on my ears that I didn't get much sleep. The venue is our first arena on the tour: up til now, we've been doing theaters, or Performance Art Centers, and the occasional tent. The arena (San Jose State University Event Center) sounds cavernous and terrible. I have to run the stage much louder so that the musicians can hear over the slapback and natural reverb. In a few hours, we'll be packing it all back up and heading to Sacramento. We won't see a hotel until we reach Boulder, Colorado, after a 20-hour drive through the Nevada, Utah and Wyoming.

Great crowd tonight, and a great show. On to Sacramento!

Reno

So After two days in Vegas, we traveled to Reno, Nevada for a day off. We arrived at the Sierra Grand Resort (a casino) and got our rooms. After getting ourselves situated, a bunch of us headed to the go-kart track on the property. I can't remember the last time I was in a go-kart, but it's still a blast. I just wish they were a little faster. Then we all played a game of laser tag at the casino's arcade. Then I beat a couple guys at air hockey. Now THAT's a sport I can get behind. I feel like I'm on a reality show.

Later we met up at the Xtreme Sports Bar to eat dinner and watch some hockey (the non-air type) on the typical large multiple flatscreens. A few pints in, someone had the horrible idea of buying a round of Patron shots. It might have been me. And that proved to be a catalyst for an adventurous evening. And a bad, bad morning.

At one point, a go-go girl audition "broke out" on the dance floor. So now I'm buzzed, watching hockey, with a dozen hot girls gyrating all around me. It was tough, but I hung in there for the whole audition. You know, because I would hate to crush the dreams of a young barely-dressed future starlet by carelessly leaving during the...performance. The next thing I remember is being asked, "Dude....you coming bowling with us?" So drunken bowling it was. Jesus.

The next day I scraped myself out of bed and dragged my bags through the casino to the venue (inside casino as well). It took me at least twice as long as usual to get my gear together. At one point, I was hurting so bad, I just curled up on the floor, with my head resting on my monitor wedge, and went to sleep. Just before I did, though, I had a thought: "some asshole is going to see me asleep, and get the great idea to send some loud sound effect through the wedge I'm sleeping against, to startle me witless, while videotaping it." I swear, it was that clear to me. So I turned that amplifier off before I nodded off. And sure enough, those motherfuckers! They concocted a scheme to send the sound of a loud doorbell through the wedge, while Aaron Bleyaert, the webmaster/blogger for the show, videotaped it with his iphone, perhaps to put up on his blog. That son of a bitch! But I outsmarted them this time, and Bley's video tomfoolery was foiled. Revenge will be mine nonetheless...... all of them, they're going DOWN!

Las Vegas

Another first for me on this tour: Las Vegas. I've never really taken an interest in going to Vegas. The whole concept of flashing neon, gambling, and glitzy shows just isn't my thing. I found the atmosphere at the Palms Casino uninviting in every way.
It wasn't until I struck out on my own, tourist-style, that I found something to like about Las Vegas. Being at the Palms, off the Strip, gave me no real sense of what lengths they've gone to in their creation of a fictional adult fantasy world: Once I took the 25-minute walk over the highway to the Strip, I found the crazy statues and fountains and gated pedestrian areas made it seem like a cross between a Sandals and Emerald City. And....GOOD FOOD!

I made my way to the Bellagio to see the fountain show they have every half-hour. I came upon what looked to be a decent restaurant named Olives. I got a table outside, overlooking the fountains. I opened the menu, saw that they had nice wines by the glass, decent-looking entrees, and oysters. I ordered a half dozen Fanny Bay oysters with some citrus whatever mignonette and a glass of Sauvignon Blanc, and my opinion of Vegas improved immediately. The fountain show started just as the waiter brought my entree. The fountains were set to music, some opera. It lasted maybe ten minutes. I wouldn't travel far to see it, but it was a cool thing to watch while I ate. I had some terrific sea scallops and finished with a glass of 20-yr tawny port. Viva Las Vegas!

During my walk around the Caesar's Palace end of the strip, I passed a homeless person, stationed on a pedestrian bridge. This person (I'm honestly not sure if it was a man or a woman) was holding a dachshund in a gym bag. The dog looked like my Franki, but a little smaller. I wanted to talk to the dog, of course. But I knew that if I gave this person a dollar, the other homeless people around would all start in my direction. So I passed this person by twice before I had my lunch. On my way back to the Palms, I knew I'd have to cross over that pedestrian bridge again. As I approached the bridge, I reached into my pocket for a dollar bill, but came out with a twenty. I'd just had this fantastic meal, on this fantastic tour, and I felt like a very fortunate man. So when I found this person, with his/her wiener dog, still sitting on the bridge, I stopped to chat. I showed the person a picture of my Franki on my phone. This dog's name was Oscar, and he was just terrific. Oscar lives on the street in his person's lap, and is happy as can be. As I pulled out the rolled-up twenty and handed it to the weathered human, I saw surprise in his or her eyes. He looked down at Oscar and said, "We can go home now, Baby."

On tour, the crew all gets a $40/day per diem, basically spending money. Every ten days, they give you an envelope with $400 in it. Many of my tourmates gambled away all of their $400 per diem money at the tables in Vegas. I bet $20 on good karma and a happy dog named Oscar.

See you in Reno.

Phoenix

Wow....I just saw NONE of Phoenix, unless you count the trip from the Dodge Theater stage door 10 feet to the bus. When you do several dates in a row, it's all about getting the gear torn down, loaded back out, finding a shower and a towel somewhere at the venue, and getting back on the bus. If the next town is 8 hours away, you'd better haul ass if you want to get any bunk time before the load in at....wait....where are we?. Phoenix, I'm afraid, got lost in that shuffle.

I love checking out the graffiti walls at these venues. And now I get to say... we're getting the hell out of Dodge!

San Diego

Hey all,
So it's been a while since my last post, and I have a lot of catching up to do. After five days in Los Angeles, I took a taxi to the hotel where the non-LA-local crew was staying. The lobby call was 5:45 am, I hadn't slept well the night before, and I was totally braindead. I took a two-hour nap on the way to San Diego.

I didn't get the chance to check out San Diego at all, really. I took a walk around the venue just to snap a couple pics. Now I can prove I was there!

We loaded out after the show and took the 7-hour-ish ride to Phoenix.